Kylo's Krayons
by dogfarts888
Summary: Kylo Ren helps Rey after her grandpa Darth Sidious escapes from the Sith home retirement center. Crackfic.
1. Chapter 1

**I wrote 40 pages of dark reylo in 2 weeks and this is how I decompress: crackfic.**

**you've been warned!**

**Kylo and Rey team up when Rey's grandpa Darth Sidious escapes from the Sith retirement center.**

* * *

Kylo lays flat on his stomach, his legs crossed in the air behind him.

His tongue sticks out of the side of his mouth as he concentrates on the large white sheet of paper spread out before him. He pulls back for a moment, admiring his work.

He frowns.

His box of extra large washable crayons rests next to him and he digs into it searching for his favorite color. A scowl spreads across his face when he can't find it.

"Hux!"

"Yes Supreme Leader?"

"Help me find the black crayon."

"Sir, we are about to make planet-fall. I need to oversee -"

Kylo faceplants and lets out a long whine.

"Help me find the black crayyyonnnnn," his cries are muffled by the spotless floor of the command center.

"Sir -"

"My crayyyyooonnnn."

"Fucking hell," Hux mutters under his breath and falls to his knees, digging through the mess of crayons, "Here it is sir."

Kylo peeps up from the floor and sniffs.

"Do you like my drawing?"

"What is it?"

"You can't tell?"

All Hux sees are a series of ragged black lines drawn aggressively across the paper.

"Is it...a self portrait?"

Kylo shakes his head and swats playfully in his direction.

"No, it's a portrait of Rey. I want to give it to her. She hangs all my drawings on her fridge."

"Does she now?" Hux's lip curls into a snarl, his patience running thin.

"Want to see the portrait I did of you?"

"Naturally, sir."

Kylo rolls to the other side of the room. Two Stormtroopers jump over him to avoid a collision.

"It's riiiiight here," Kylo sits up and opens a cabinet, "I think it screams sexy, general."

Hux stares at the drawing. It's a passionate scribble of orange, red, and black. Around the border of the paper "Kylo Hux," is written over and over.

The general tries to form a response when Kylo scrambles to his feet, his eyes staring right past Hux.

"Rey," he gasps, "what are you doing here? We aren't supposed to bomb you guys for another five hours."

Rey rolls her eyes.

"Thanks for the head's up. I came here to ask for your...well…" she glances at the floor, as though embarrassed and bites her lip, "I came to ask for your help."

Kylo is frozen in shock.

"My help? You need _my_ help?"

She nods.

"I do. I got a call from the Sith home retirement center. Grandpa Sid escaped again. They think he left after they confiscated the condiments he stole from the dining room. He's back on the ruins of the Death Star."

"Oh shit. Your grandpa's fucking crazy."

"I _know_," Rey laments, "Last time I got him back only by promising him a game of Evil Bingo, but I don't think it will be enough of an incentive this time. Ever since he started taking senior yoga classes and water aerobics he's grown more powerful with the Force."

Kylo paces back and forth, trying to impress Rey by how powerful and tall he is. He's added _seven _inches to his combat boots thank you very much.

"Well," he shoots her a smoldering look, "I know how to get your grandpa back."

"How?"

"My crayons. Ever since I became an artist, I see things differently. I see the galaxy differently."

Rey groans.

"I _do _Rey. It's not easy to live an artists life. I think if your grandpa could express himself through art that he might be happier. I'm bringing my crayons."

Rey places her hands on her hips.

"You're still planning on bombing the crap out of the Resistance. Your "art" has not made you happier."

Throughout their exchange Hux massages his temples. His mounting migraine is unbearable.

"Rey," Kylo throws a box of crayolas at her, "I'm the darksider here. Do you want my help or not? Trust me. And for this mission," he bends over to pick up a second box, "We're taking the glitter crayons with us. These babies changed my life."

Rey's arms fall to her sides. She's just at a loss. She looks to the one sane person in the room.

"Hux, will you join us?"

Armitage's brows arch in surprise. He doesn't expect the scavenger of all people to _beg _him to come.

"Please Hux," Rey takes one step forward, "My grandpa has always liked a man in military uniform. As do I," she fingers the stiff collar of his First Order uniform. Armitage's throat bobs as he swallows.

"Very well...Rey."

Kylo howls with jealousy.

"Oh, stop it you," she whips around, "Let's just go and try and get my grandpa. Then things can return to the way they were." Their Force link fades and Rey's figure becomes blurry.

"Wait!" Kylo pauses his tantrum, "Where and when will we meet?"

Rey hesitates.

"Tomorrow I'll come to your flagship. Oh, don't look so smug about it Kylo. I can still kick your ass. We'll travel together to the ruins of the Death Star."

And with that declaration she disconnects from their Force bond.

Kylo and Hux both breathe heavy, but for different reasons.

Coming down from his tantrum, Kylo falls to the floor.

"I think Palps would like it if I drew him a picture of MY grandpa."

"I agree sir."

For this masterpiece, Kylo chooses the glittery black crayon.


	2. Chapter 2

_Enjoy some more crappy crack_

_*slinks off back to darkfic_

* * *

"Supreme Leader, a Resistance shuttle is approaching the hangar," Hux reports, his hands clasped behind his back. He observes as the TIE fighters escort the shuttle in perfect synchronization to the landing pad.

"It's Rey," Kylo's eyes shine with excitement as he runs, skidding to a stop at Hux's side, "Prepare my biggest box of crayons. Tonight is the night," he pauses for effect, "I'm proposing to Rey on the ruins of the Death Star."

Hux barks orders to a bridge officer. A strange mixture of irritation and jealousy stirs within him.

"Prepare the Supreme Leader's crayons. It is imperative that his glitter crayons are fully stocked. Sir," he turns to Kylo, "I was under the impression tonight was about apprehending Darth Sidious."

Kylo makes a face.

"Sidious? Pah. You know Armitage," Kylo leans in so closely that their noses touch, "I plan on killing that crusty old fuck."

"Do you now?" Hux responds with his trademark sneer.

Kylo pokes Armitage in the middle of his chest and slowly trails his finger down to the general's belt.

"I sure do. I'm gonna eliminate Rey's biggest problem: her delusional, dramatic grandpa. Then we will get married, we will have the sex, and have the most powerful children in the galaxy."

"_The _sex, sir?"

"Yes," Kylo licks his lips, "I've never seen a lady-garden before."

"You mean a _vagina_," Hux's voice is crisp and clear as he enunciates the word for Kylo.

"Exactly. Her front-butt."

Hux gapes, offended by Kylo's vulgar ineptitude.

"_Front-butt? _"

Kylo glares at the general, his dark eyes flashing dangerously.

"I said what I said, Hux. I am going to wife Rey, and you _will _support me as your Supreme Leader."

Hux tries not to point out that Rey is unlikely to want another delusional, dramatic man-child in her life, but he is a General for a reason. Instead he asks a question.

"Do you anticipate her accepting this time?"

"Ehh," Kylo deliberates, "I give it a forty percent chance she says yes. She's still kinda pissed that I go by Kylo Ren."

"And that you called her a nobody."

"Yeah - wait no. I said she's no one, but not to me. She is nobody to the galaxy. But she's somebody to me. She's everything to me."

"I see. Well. You did attack the Resistance on Crait."

"Yeah."

"And the First Order does continue it's spectacular assault on the Resistance."

Kylo broods, unable to keep his frustration from rising to the surface. He bangs his hand against the wall behind Hux.

"Well _fuck me _Armitage, when you put it _that _way I give it a thirty-percent chance she says yes. But - if she says no, at least I still have you," Kylo says thoughtfully, winks, and then turns on his heel. He motions for Hux to follow and they make their way down to the hangar.

Rey emerges from the shuttle and both men come to an abrupt halt. She is draped from head to toe in black and a dark cape swirls around her. She's taken time to apply heavy eye make-up, red lipstick, and her spiked combat boots aggressively hit the floor as she walks away from her small craft.

Kylo makes a fist and bites down on it, hard. A long, strangled whine sounds from his throat. Hux loosens his collar as perspiration drips down his forehead, his eyes dilating to the size of saucers. They stare in complete and utter awe as she bridges the space between them.

"You are stunning, Rey. A vision of dark beauty," Hux scrambles to wipe his sweat away with his kerchief.

"Rey," Kylo's voice trembles when he finally finds the strength to speak, "You are the _damn _sexiest woman in the entire galaxy. I'll lick the bottom of your boots if you ask me to."

"What?" Rey and Hux say at the same time.

"What?" Kylo echoes, blushing crimson and looking around.

Rey shakes her head and uses two fingers to pinch her eyes shut.

"Christ," she breathes before her head severely jolts up to look at the duo in front of her, "Pull it together you two. I thought a different look might help my grandpa feel at ease."

Kylo steps forward.

"It is a good look for you, Rey."

"Is your ship ready, Kylo?" She asks, ignoring his compliment.

"You bet your hot dark-ass it is," Kylo nods his head at the massive ship to his left.

"Don't talk about my ass Kylo," Rey bares her clenched teeth and knocks into his shoulder as she brushes past him. Kylo's jaw drops at her blatant disrespect - it makes him so fucking horny. Meanwhile, Armitage undoes one of his uniform buttons and trails after Rey as she boards the ship surrounded by stormtroopers.

Rey settles into the pilot's seat and Kylo begrudgingly sits down next to her. He uncrumples his glittery drawing of Darth Vader and smiles.

When wrinkly-McLighting-Face sees this, he will be so fucking _triggered_ that Kylo will take him out before he has the chance to recite the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the wise.

_We got this grandpa, _Kylo thinks. He watches as Rey expertly prepares to leave the hangar and twists around to face Hux.

"Did you remember to pack snacks?

"Yes sir," Hux points towards the fridge located next to the ship's mini-bar, "we are fully equipped with juice boxes, hot pockets, and lunchables."

"What about my otter pops?"

Tension fills the ship as Hux checks the freezer. After a moment he sighs audibly. It is a sigh of deep relief.

"We are overflowing with otter-pops, sir."

Kylo relaxes into his seat. Rey can't stop rolling her eyes.

"Your diet is terrible, you know that?"

Kylo rolls up his sleeves and flexes his gigantic muscles. He kisses each bulging bicep and smirks.

"Do you have any complaints Rey? I know Armitage doesn't."

Hux coughs harshly to cover up his embarrassment and Rey calls on the force to pull Kylo's sleeves down.

"_Focus _Kylo. We're going to enter hyperspace now and I need you to be ready. Next stop are the Death Star ruins. I'm not paying thousands of credits each month to a retirement home if my grandpa refuses to live there. Remember guys," she shoots them both a look, "he really thinks he is still the Emperor."

"Pffft, pathetic," Kylo reaches into the mini-freezer and pulls out a raspberry otter-pop. He slurps it up and eats another, then another, until he has easily consumed twenty. Hux uses a baby-wipe to clean his face and Kylo straightens his back.

Full of otter-pops, armed with crayons, and brimming with horniness, Kylo's never felt more ready.


End file.
